Recognising recurring relationship patterns

Why patterns repeat

Unconsciously we look for what is familiar to us, not necessarily for what is good for us. Early relationship experiences shape what feels like “home”, even when that home was insecure. That is why the familiar often feels more attractive than the healthy. This is not a defect but a deeply learned mechanism that once gave orientation.

Closeness, distance and the ever-same game

Many patterns revolve around closeness and distance: you pursue someone who withdraws, or you pull back the moment someone gets too close. If it is above all the withdrawal that occupies you, it is worth looking at fear of attachment and the fear of closeness. Often two people with opposite patterns are involved, and both feel the same pain from different directions.

When you stay or lose yourself

Some patterns show themselves in the fact that you stay even though it is not good for you, or that you adapt so much that you can hardly feel yourself any more. Then relationship patterns touch on emotional dependency and on the fear of rejection. Recognising the pattern is not the same as blame. It is the beginning of freedom to choose.

Gentle steps

• · Write the pattern down. What repeats itself, at the beginning, in the middle, at the end?
• · Notice the familiar pull. What draws you in, and what does it remind you of?
• · Look at your own part, without condemning yourself. Not “what is wrong with me”, but “what am I protecting with this”.
• · Dare to take small new steps, instead of wanting to overturn the whole pattern all at once.

How the companions can help you with this

Relationship patterns often take root in old protective reactions and strong feelings. On the platform you can follow this up with Schema-B and understand which younger part reacts in close relationships. You can try the first four chapters for free, in your own tempo. During the build-up phase all chapters are free. You will find an overview of all topics under topics of Die innere Logik.