Understanding shame: the feeling of being wrong

Shame is not the same as guilt

The difference is subtle but decisive. Guilt says: “I did something wrong.” It can be clarified, made good, brought to a close. Shame says: “I am wrong.” It knows no deed that could be put right; it aims at your very being. That is why guilt keeps you able to act, while shame makes you small and mute.

Where deep shame comes from

No one comes into the world ashamed. Shame arises in relationship: through looks, words, devaluation, sometimes through the feeling of being too much or not enough with one’s own needs. Whoever experiences this often internalises it. “Something is wrong with what you do” becomes “something is wrong with you”. This deep, often “toxic” shame is not a character trait but an old, learned appraisal of your self.

Shame and the inner critic

Shame and the inner critic often work together: shame supplies the feeling “I am wrong”, the critic supplies the words for it. Behind this usually stands a self-worth that has learned to tie itself to conditions. Understanding shame does not mean making it disappear, but recognising it when it is there and not believing its every word.

Gentle steps

• · Name the shame. “That is shame right now” already creates a little distance.
• · Separate being from doing. Having done something wrong does not mean being wrong.
• · Shame needs witnesses, not hiding places. It often loses its power when a safe person knows about it.
• · Meet yourself like a person you are fond of, not like a case that has to be proven.

How the companion “The Prison of Valuation” can help you

On the platform you look at where your worth hangs on conditions and how old devaluation becomes present-day shame. Not to dig around in the past, but to meet yourself more kindly. You can try the first four chapters for free, in your own tempo. During the build-up phase all chapters are free. You will find an overview of all topics under topics of Die innere Logik.